So I met the love of my life exactly six days after the relationship before it ended. I know I know…How can you be in love with a person after spending two years in a relationship. The first thing you are thinking is he’s the rebound guy, but he wasn’t. I was too damaged to rebound. The first night we hung out I had technical difficulties with my new phone. I took off work and he came over and hung out. He was my own personal tech support guy. I liked him, but when it was time for him to go I got sad. He kissed me on the forehead and promsed me he’d come back. And that’s exactly what he did. After that, we became almost inseparable…calling, texting, e-mailing…whatever we could do to remain bonded.
I graduated. He met the family… We had a great time. And then it happened… I cannot put my finger on quite what “it” is but whatever it was it was catastrophic. We couldn’t communicate. The more he couldn’t, the more I tried and the more I tried the more he couldn’t…. We rode it til the wheels fell off and even when they fell off we kept riding… And then we broke up. My beautiful summer instantly became winter. I was always cold. In New Orleans, middle of summer, I wore a huge fluffy bathrobe (because it reminded me of cooler nights when I stayed up waiting for him) and stayed on the covers of the bed we had shared. I closed out the sun and only ordered in… My dream summer became the coldest winter ever.
It’s been the longest winter without you
I didn’t know where to turn to
See somehow I can’t forget you
After all that we’ve been through
Imagine that…winter during summer. I did everything I could to keep in my life. I overextended myself. I offered him help with everything…it didn’t matter as long as he called me everyday. I didn’t know what to do for help. No matter how many of my girls called or stopped it didn’t dull the pain. We had memories. Pictures that were in my face everyday when I woke up. I cried silent tears at the thoughts of the hugging, kissing and yes, even the love making we shared. There was rarely a time when I could smile. I found solace in a church down the street. One day, in a bright and sunny mood, I was headed to Women’s Bible Study and I called to compliment him. It couldn’t have gone worse. I ended up crying in the bathroom and a woman found me and told me “who ever he is, you’ve got to be strong for him…I’m not going to let you cry and neither is He”. I became active there… and when I got home that night I called his father who said to me “My son was very happy Monday evening” (He’d taken me to the grocery store that day) That let me know that he still cared and that he, too, was hurting. But yet, I still had nowhere to turn to…
If you didn’t notice you mean everything
That’s how I continued to feel… He meant everything to me but how could I get him back? So I asked him if it was attainable and he told me if I knew him I wouldn’t have asked. Now true enough I knew him, but I had no idea what the real answer to this question was. I let it go and moved on…
In the fall, I went back and he and I decided to rebond. It was a tough to decision that came with even tougher consequences. By the time the real winter came along I had memories of spring romance, summer hurt, and a fall rebirth. In the melee of all those things I’d also had to hear the words no one wants to hear from a person they love.
If I’m dreaming don’t wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that’s the path
Yes, I hate you.
That cut deeper than any knife out there and I somehow think he knew that. I guess that day I really had my big girl panties on because I simply said “OK, that’s understandable and no, I’m not going to cry”. I didn’t and that’s how I began to heal.
We revisited that same cycle in the winter…but I realized that this person knows me better than most. He’s my best friend, because he’s been my best lover…whether or not that has to do with skill I don’t know although I doubt it. I think it has to do with the genuine feelings that came behind it….I know that he is my backbone… He stands up for me when I cannot stand up for myself and he may not ever understand how great the gratitude in my heart for him is even though I sometimes hate his decisions…
And it hurt, but it healed…
And I’ve learned to smile everyday because I deserve to….