Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Better In Time

So I met the love of my life exactly six days after the relationship before it ended.  I know I know…How can you be in love with a person after spending two years in a relationship.  The first thing you are thinking is he’s the rebound guy, but he wasn’t.  I was too damaged to rebound.  The first night we hung out I had technical difficulties with my new phone.  I took off work and he came over and hung out.  He was my own personal tech support guy.  I liked him, but when it was time for him to go I got sad.  He kissed me on the forehead and promsed me he’d come back.  And that’s exactly what he did.  After that, we became almost inseparable…calling, texting, e-mailing…whatever we could do to remain bonded.

I graduated.  He met the family… We had a great time.  And then it happened… I cannot put my finger on quite what “it” is but whatever it was it was catastrophic.  We couldn’t communicate.  The more he couldn’t, the more I tried and the more I tried the more he couldn’t…. We rode it til the wheels fell off and even when they fell off we kept riding… And then we broke up.  My beautiful summer instantly became winter.  I was always cold.  In New Orleans, middle of summer, I wore a huge fluffy bathrobe (because it reminded me of cooler nights when I stayed up waiting for him) and stayed on the covers of the bed we had shared.  I closed out the sun and only ordered in… My dream summer became the coldest winter ever.

It’s been the longest winter without you
I didn’t know where to turn to
See somehow I can’t forget you
After all that we’ve been through

Imagine that…winter during summer.  I did everything I could to keep in my life.  I overextended myself.  I offered him help with everything…it didn’t matter as long as he called me everyday.  I didn’t know what to do for help.  No matter how many of my girls called or stopped it didn’t dull the pain.  We had memories.  Pictures that were in my face everyday when I woke up.  I cried silent tears at the thoughts of the hugging, kissing and yes, even the love making we shared.  There was rarely a time when I could smile.  I found solace in a church down the street.  One day, in a bright and sunny mood, I was headed to Women’s Bible Study and I called to compliment him.  It couldn’t have gone worse.  I ended up crying in the bathroom and a woman found me and told me “who ever he is, you’ve got to be strong for him…I’m not going to let you cry and neither is He”.  I became active there… and when I got home that night I called his father who said to me “My son was very happy Monday evening” (He’d taken me to the grocery store that day) That let me know that he still cared and that he, too, was hurting.  But yet, I still had nowhere to turn to…

If you didn’t notice you mean everything

That’s how I continued to feel… He meant everything to me but how could I get him back?  So I asked him if it was attainable and he told me if I knew him I wouldn’t have asked.  Now true enough I knew him, but I had no idea what the real answer to this question was.  I let it go and moved on…

In the fall, I went back and he and I decided to rebond.  It was a tough to decision that came with even tougher consequences.  By the time the real winter came along I had memories of spring romance, summer hurt, and a fall rebirth.  In the melee of all those things I’d also had to hear the words no one wants to hear from a person they love.

If I’m dreaming don’t wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that’s the path

Yes, I hate you.

That cut deeper than any knife out there and I somehow think he knew that.  I guess that day I really had my big girl panties on because I simply said “OK, that’s understandable and no, I’m not going to cry”.  I didn’t and that’s how I began to heal.

We revisited that same cycle in the winter…but I realized that this person knows me better than most.  He’s my best friend, because he’s been my best lover…whether or not that has to do with skill I don’t know although I doubt it.  I think it has to do with the genuine feelings that came behind it….I know that he is my backbone… He stands up for me when I cannot stand up for myself and he may not ever understand how great the gratitude in my heart for him is even though I sometimes hate his decisions…

And it hurt, but it healed…

And I’ve learned to smile everyday because I deserve to….

Already Gone

Just the other day my very good friend was telling me about this song by Kelly Clarkson.  As usual, it takes me three days to get to YouTube and check out what’s going on….

It reminds me of a couple of situations, but most notably of a relationship I had from 2006-2008.   He was a nice enough guy, family oriented and ambitious.  Those are three good qualities, but rest assured it came at a high price.  When we first started dating he was going to a different school.  His school was about 5 or 6 miles from mine, but it was Post-Katrina New Orleans which meant that transportation was nuts.  We were still riding buses (which were free which was a perk) but from there I had to catch a street car then walk another five or six blocks.  I religiously did this until he graduated.  In order for him to graduate I helped him by writing a few papers and even filled out all the paperwork for him to get into the university I attended.  Once he came to my university I know longer had hobbies, quit one of my jobs and only did what he allowed me to do.  I couldn’t go out with friends…NOTHING and he’d be out at the strip club.   It took me a long time to realize it but the reason I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything was so that he could do what he wanted to do without me knowing.  I realize now that men use this as a control mechanism so that they always know they can do whatever they want and you will never figure it out.  Looking back on it I realize in two years the only places I went were with him and his friends.  Past that, I realize his friends knew all along what was going on and these men were helping him to control me.  Then I figured out why it was all happening…

Everything seemed normal.  We had the fights that most couples have.  Then one morning (about January) he showed up smelling…different.  It was unusual (considering I’d bought his cologne) and in fact, was a mix of  his cologne and something…else.  I didn’t think much of it.  He’d arrived super early and we were gonna nap then I’d shower get up and go to class.  Around March I began to get out more.  One day I was shopping at the mall and a girl I didn’t know approached me in one of my favorite stores.  I thought it awkward but paid her no mind.  That night when I got home I was thinking she looked familiar but I couldn’t figure out from where.  In April I began to really suspect something was WRONG.  His phone rang one day and he almost knocked me over trying to answer it (which I was NOT going to do).

Now, since he had no license his grandmother had always picked him up.  One day, as we were visiting a professional building on campus, someone else was going to…”a friend”.  I declared that I wanted to meet this person and Ms. Avia told me no.  Over the next three days I was very persistent about wanting to know exactly what was going on.  He then admitted to me that he was cheating on me and in fact had been since the beginning of the relationship.  That’s when it hit me.  The girl from the store was the girl from his Myspace profile talking about her boo.  That was fine.  She could have him.

The next week I started dating someone new.  It didn’t even hurt when we broke up.

I was already gone…

Over the past couple of days due to some unfortunate domestic arguments I keep hearing the same phrase over and over again:

I’m glad you are showing me who you really are.

To this I usually respond, “Just who am I?”  following by an explanation of just why my behavior is the way it is or was the way it was.  I figure at this point he gets my point.  But then again I wanted to examine just a few things about who exactly I am.

1. I am an only child.

2. I am completely unselfish.  I would give my last best thing to anyone asking.

3. I am a Taurus.

4. I am a Southern woman…and I enjoy all the perks of this.

5. I think Southern men are the bees knees but the Northern men can definitely give them a run for their money.

6. Despite my love of communication, I spend a great deal of time in silence.

7. I love music.

8. New Orleans is my second home and I know it runs through my blood.

9. I can “see” history.

10. I am the 18th of 18 grandchildren and quite generally I think I’m overlooked.

11. My closest friends (despite four years at college) are actually from high school.

12. I can remember my 2nd birthday party.

13. In high school, I played the baritone…and never formally learned not one field show…just enough to get by (that’s right…not Jesus Christ Superstar or Mr.  Roboto and anything else…stands music either)

14. I graduated HS w/ a 4.3 GPA and I’m pretty sure I have extra curricular activities to thank for it.

15. I completely cheated Jr. year History (And my good buddies did it too dayumit)

16. I once worked 3 jobs in college…and didn’t eat for three days.

17. My significant order is double-double jointed…it’s the scariest thing I’ve ever seen.

18. My first date with him was by far the most unique I’ve ever been on…we went to the Gardens.

19. I can make a mean German Chocolate or Italian Cream Cake

20. I am still Daddy’s Little Girl

21. I love perfume, panties and purses…(Triple P Threat if I’m in a mall)

22. I actually know what an incubus can do and I really do realize I’ve infiltrated someone’s mind like that

23. One happy girl…and if I fight…well I still love you when we’re fighting

My senior year of college I took this magnificent class on Black women writers.  The basis of the course was to discern between womanself and womanbeing.  Before I go on any further let me stop and define both of these things:

Womanself is who you really are without putting on pretenses for others.

Womanbeing is what you have to show the world you are.

The best example of this I can give is in Zora Neale Hurston’s Their Eyes Were Watching God, during a funeral for her husband, Janie tells us that she has “starched and ironed her face” into sorrow, but in her mind she is running through fields of flowers.  Her being is grieving because that’s what people expect her to do, while herself is so glad he is gone she is running through fields of flowers.

As I grow older, I am forced to stop and think about myself versus my being.  I know that society expects me to be this hardened and strong woman.  I am able to handle all things…For my family I am the rock.  I can hold it all together, make sure everyone feels loved and make sure everyone feels good like they need to feel.  For my employer, I am early to get there then I stay late and then I bring work home with me.  And when all that is said and done, I have to be his woman.  I have to cook, clean and wash everything…and still manage to put it down in the bedroom.  Ha.  That’s my being…professionally intense, personal controlled.  This is my being.

As for myself, She is still tough as nails, but she wears her heart on her sleeve, like most people wear smiles.  My heart is weak and it aches and sometimes I wonder if it can take anymore, but then I know I have to…simply because it is my right and I deserve it.  In fact, my self…well she’s always smiling really because she’s got a story to tell and she knows where she is, where she has been and where she’s going.  In fact, what makes myself even better is I know who I have to be….

Ladies, do you know the difference between your being and your self?  Do you subscribe to the duality that exist within ourselves?  For the men, do you ever feel like the woman in your life has to struggle to maintain too many roles?  Does anyone feel themselves overwhelmed trying combine the two?

Long Time Old Friend…

It’s been a long time since I was here…just about two months.  Since then it’d be fair to say that a lot has changed.  I’ve gotten over my grief and met new friends.  I’d say I’m into different things.  I need new and different experiences.  It’s fall…which I consider to be a season of rebirth just as much as Spring…a time to shed unnecessary things and spend the winter working on the things that mean the most to us.  Let me give a brief recap to wrap the past up from this site.

1. The person I referred to on July 30 is still around, but his Gemini personality scares me just a little bit and if you don’t think that’s bad enough…In August he got a Gemini buddy who is just a little more consistent which I like.  It’s a good friendship there…and I hope it remains.

2. The Kappa who has been texting on and off since February recently started sending good morning text and even calling, but I wasn’t answering all because…

3. I have a boyfriend…whom I actually care a great deal about, but that relationship has flaws of its own…

Anyways, all that aside, I have decided to repurpose the site a little bit and while I will include tidbits from my dating life in a comprehensive kind of way, I will also be including some fashion, some beauty, politics, religion and whatever else stirs my fancy…My very post real post is coming up just a little later today…and I am quite excited to present it to the world….

-Flawed Beauty

Call On Me…

When you need a friend…

I cannot think…it’s too much and very overwhelming.

He needs a nickname…I want to add him to the roster, but here’s the thing:

I don’t want a roster anymore…I just want one person…one. I am a very emotional person…I go through a lot of ups and downs…hell really I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs and you know what I want something that is even. Something I can figure out..something constant…even if it is duplicitous…

That voice…

Makes me wanna cream scream

If I don’t hurry up and make a decision soon I make break…and here’s the thing I am actually praying about it.

Hard.

OK…that is all for now…I might have more in the morning.

That’s one of the little phrases that can mean a lot. Cause when you know better you do better…and since I now know better I am going to do better in just a few ways.

For one, I am going to go back to the person who holds my heart.  Now, I know many of you may ask how I am going to do this, but here’s the thing.  That doesn’t matter.  Why I am doing it?  Doesn’t matter.

All that’s important is…ain’t nothing stopping me from getting back tight–and it’s cool he can trip (cause I was wrong) so he’s got that right, but I’ll earn it back (his love and trust) because I am tired, tired, tired of being misused and abused and he’s the only one…<I>the only one</i> who has never…ever…mistreated me.

So goodbye to you mister….

I’m gonna let you fly.